I am nothing

That’s what you think
I am nothing

I use to be worth something
But now I ain’t worth nothing

You know I use to be something
Someone big
Then it went downhill
Now I’m nothing

The whole world sees me as nothing
Isn’t that something

All a person wants it’s to be worth something
To feel something
But I feel nothing

&& That’s why
I am nothing

running low

What is this
Where are you come from
Why am I crying so much
Why do I feel so alone?

What is this
Where did I go
Do you miss me
Do you?
You don’t even say hello

I smile through the cameras
Because that’s what you are supposed to do right
I go to work and act like nothings wrong
I play the role perfectly
I guess that’s why no one saw it coming

They must have thought I had it all
I don’t know why
I never said I did

I normally make mistakes
But it got too much for me
It was too much for me to take

So I thought I should let it go
I believe it’s the right decision
It will help me
It will show me
Teach me something

There is a better world out there
I should go out and see it
But I say this
Do I mean it

I want everything
But don’t want to work for it
How can I claim it
Without risking it all
I want what’s mine
Wouldnt that be lovely
But I’m running out of time
Does what I say make sense

Voices

I try to stay alive
Because I want to see what I can be
I can be his glory
But he won’t let me
I can be free
I can let him see me
God, do you hear me?
I just want to be happy
Can you do that for me

I needed you

where did you go
do you know the time
it’s late
you forgot all about me
and now you are here
it’s clear to me on what you want
but its something that I cant give
you have had too much of me
now I’ve closed the door
I don’t need you no more
you left me when I needed you
now you are here
acting like you are here to rescue me
but I saved myself
I needed you
but you wanted to play games
so I left you alone
I’m sorry but you can’t stay

The Last Note

I use to remember how to feel
Like really feel
Now I don’t remember what it’s like
I use to remember a lot of things

Like
How to smile
How to toughen up
How to fight back

Now I just sit here and wonder
Where did I go wrong
Why doesn’t life live for me
Why me

My breathing feels uneasy
Why is it so hard to see
Shall I tell you my story

You inform me it’s all in head
That I should relax and go to bed
But my bed isn’t the safest place

It’s where I lay my head and never wake up
Because if I wake up it means God didn’t do his job
I’m still here
It’s against the law
I don’t want to be here
I don’t want live anymore

So why is god fighting with me
He knows the score
If I die
He gets an angle and I won’t be here anymore

What if I take matters in my own hands
That’s what I’ll do
I’ll pretend to be happy whiles conducting a plan
No one will know
I hope everyone understands

I leave them a note.
Saying goodbye
They’ll understand
I had to go
That was the plan

Things will change for the better
Just you wait and see
They will all be better without
I’ll be better without me
Here is not where I want to be

I feel so empty
It was nice though
Living me.. my body…having a soul
Knowing that I’m going away
I can dream happily
This is the end of me

This is the reflection of me
My life
My history
Dying happily
But yet so peacefully

The Tell-All

Today is just one of those days I guess
I wake up
Brush my teeth
Then took my shower
I get dressed
Do my hair
All of this takes a least an hour
Then I look in the mirror
And practice smiling
Pretending that everything is okay
I have my breakfast
Then look at my messages
Watch the news to see what’s going on
Whilst looking outside hoping not for a thunderstorm
I put my shoes on
Then grab my bag
I open my front door
Still feeling a bit sad
I walk past my neighbour
And use my fake smile I practiced

I get to the train station
Listing to positive podcasts for motivation
I get on the train looking for a good spot to sit
I take a deep breath
Went to the station
As the train doors open I jump
I was ready to go to work
Today I wonder this is it
I make small talk with everyone
Holding my tears inside
I keep looking at the clock waiting
Waiting for it to hit 5pm

I breathe in
I sort myself out
Then get ready for home time
My workers want to go out for drinks
They invite me over
I think
One might be fine
Then I realise
I have to make small talk
That would be too kind
I don’t think they would want to hear my thoughts
Or even like the way I talk
So I decline

I pretend that I have to rush home for a delivery
That was the best excuse I could think of you see
I rush out and walk to the tube
I get on my 5.40pm train
And sit next to an old man
Opposite me, there’s a mother and a child
They playing together
When the child smiles
The mother smiles wider
Watching them I couldn’t be happier

I get off my stop and make my way home
It won’t be too long until I’m alone
I open my house door
I say hello but no response
I guess no one is in
I eat some food I found in the kitchen.
I take on my shoes
My feet start to hurt
Run up the stairs whiles taking off my shirt

I walk past the big mirror that I always look at in the mornings
I didn’t want to see me face
That’s how I was feeling.
I put my PJs on
And crawl into bed
I put myself to sleep
Hoping I wake up dead
I play some light music to keep me company
I turn off my phone
I don’t want no one to bother me
I close my eyes with a smile on my face
Hoping that tomorrow this will be my final resting place

The Norm

Tell me what do you see

A mother crying

A father in agony

Or a child just wishing to be free

Tell me

Tell me what you see

A nation asking for justice

Constructed by the notion of hatred

Created by weak-minded people

Its strength and love that holds people together

That’s the reality

But it’s not what you see

The media presents a different reality

That we will never be free

Because being free means equality

To which can never be

Because you don’t see me as neighbour

This makes it harder

Harder to come together

My mind causes conflict with yours

Knowledge is power

It’s your choice to observe it of course

There is no wrong or right way to take action

It’s all about the reason behind the action

It’s not just for attention

It’s to show you that there is darkness in life

But you can bring the light

We can work for justice

That’s if you are ready to fight

But if you are not

Then why are you here

What is your sense of reality

Because I do not follow what you preach

Let me explain to you

What I seek is what to preach

I keep my eyes open and my mouth never shut

Never afraid of the world around me

This is how I grew up

Always fight to die what is right

Keep in touch

But before you go

Tell me what you see

I want to know

I feel its I feel it’s necessary to tell me what you see

At what cost

I would like to be that the best things in life are free
I would also like to believe that I can do all things
Through the love of christ strengthen me
I would like to believe that I can make a change to this world
I would like to believe we are all diamonds shining like pearls
I would like to believe that hard  pays off
I would like to believe that living my truth will never come at a cost
I would like to believe anything can happen
I would like to believe that God placed me on this earth for a reason
I would like to believe that this is not the end of me
it’s only just the beginning

I’m working on it..

Let me level with you..
I’m working on me
So why don’t you work on you
Start fresh
Don’t be jumping on my shit
Unless you wanna put me on your payroll too
I’m working on me
I’m a mess you see
I can’t join on your pity party
I’m trying to live my story.
The one where the story ends of me being free
Completely free
Showing people the God in me
So allow me to work on me
Life isn’t easy
And it isn’t cheap too
I have the scars to prove it
What about you
I’m working on me
Hard work comes naturally for me
I guess that’s why you are copying me
I’m a thing of beauty
That’s why I work so hard on me

Captured

I’m captured

Taken back

I’m surrounded by beauty

But I feel attacked

Caught between love and pain

Both captivating

But one can cause more strain

I want to be buried with pain

But lifted with love

I want to fly

To the only place I could think of

Your mind

How sweet how the fine would it be

If I could capture all of your thoughts

And message them to me

The beauty of you

That what the think that attack me

If only you could see what I see

Then you would feel capture

Just like me.